There now follows.. a brief pause

Well hello my lovely reader friends,

Settle down at the back now. I know its been a while since you've last had to come this way. And it's getting close to Christmas (it's alright we can use the word now it's December) so you're all no doubt very busy 

but...

I hope there are a lot of you (okay, a few of you. The odd one or two anyway. What do you mean nobody. hmmph) out there in the wilds of cyberspace wondering where I have been.

And the answer is that I'm on the move. It's one of those work based thing you know. The big bosses have had the idea to close the lab where I was working and give everyone the opportunity to move to the sister lab up in Glasgow. And I have taken that opportunity. Now for the past couple of weeks I've been travelling up and down the M6 and M74 (don't you just love the way the same stretch of road has a different name once it crosses the border), but now the time has come my little friends to move up there permanently.

So there will be a brief recess while I sort out my internet and get everything just the way I want it in my new flat.

I know you'll miss me in the short term but, fear not my reader friends, I shall return bigger and better than ever with new adventures in Paisley (where I'll be living) and the Glasgow area.

The more astute among you will notice that I've also changed the look of this blog after a few suggestions were made. It's now a bit brighter and hopefully easier on the eye. So what do you think?

Ta ta for now

4th entry into Room 101

Well hello my little reader friends,

And how is everyone? I do hope you're all well. And still here waiting for my pearls of wisdom.

So anyway, this is another entry into room 101. Something that I saw on holiday a couple of weeks ago in Lanzarote but will infect any part of the world given half a chance. Something so hideously evil that in casting it screaming into the void would not only make my life better but would improve the cultural experience of everyone the world over.

They are known as:

Elvis impersonators.

Now don't get me wrong here. I like Elvis. I think he was a great singer with an incredible voice and an enduring legacy. You don't get to be known as The King Of Rock'n'Roll without doing something right now do you? And I don't suppose there will be any Justin Bieber impersonators anytime in the near future. Or the far future with any luck.

(As an aside, has anyone else had that experience when the older they get the futher back in time their taste in music is getting. I fully expect to be decrying Mozart as being too modern when I come to retire.)

So, anyway, Elvis = good. A true icon in modern culture.

But...

That does not mean that middle aged men around the world should stick on a wig, a pair of dark glasses, an Elvis fancy dress outfit and then inflict a truly abysmal rendition of his songs on an unsuspecting public. Now some of them may well be able to sing. And some may well even look a little like the man himself. But, really?

It started out so well too, my dear readers, so it did. One lunch time we went to have lunch in a bar near the villa we were staying at having had lunch there a few days previously and finding it to be very nice. There was a small poster on the wall advertising this night and the owners of the bar said that the guy was very good (ok they would say that I know). So we (the family this time, not a load of single people) decided to give it a look. The general consensus seemed to be that 'he can't be that bad'. *sigh*

So the evening arrived and taking our seats we prepared for the show. What came next... well... You know that episode of Only Fools and Horses where Trigger's mate is the nightclub singer? Well it was like that...only without the genius comedy writing and the speech impediment. To be fair, I think my evening was slightly coloured by the image mentioned. So much so I started looking round the room for a Del-boy lookalike.

And the guy didn't even stick to doing Elvis numbers! No, part way through he did a song by The Mavericks. WHY?!

So, to end this drivel, I could probably say that if you have never seen an Elvis impersonator then you should be thankful. If you have then you know what I mean. The world would be a better place without them so we can remember the king as he should be remembered.

Casablanca and the diet coke conundrum

Hello my little readers,

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Well last night (Thursday for those not paying attention) I went to the cinema. Well sort of cinema. It was an open air showing of the greatest ever film ever made. Ever.

Casablanca.

Now some may scoff and say that other films may lay claim to the title of 'Best Film' and to them I say this: Feel free to argue and debate my claim for through this medium of learned discourse souls grow even more.

You are, however, wrong.

Because it is the best film ever. So there. You cannot touch the performances of Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and Paul Henreid. And, of course, 'As Time Goes By'...
Basically, if Hollywood ever plans a remake, I'm nuking the place.

Anyway, in the rather lovely setting of the roman gardens in Chester a group had set up a projection screen and over the past couple of weeks had been showing a range of films ranging from the recent 'Avengers Assemble' through the already mentioned 'Casablanca'.  It must have been quite a sight as well giving there must have been about a hundred people all sat on camping chairs of some description (well I was anyway. If you're interested, it cost me six quid from Argos. If you're not interested, er, well it still cost me six quid from Argos) sitting watching this film whilest wearing wearing wireless headphones.

Now before I got there, I had to get some petrol. And as I was filling up I decided to get a drink and some nibbles. So, once inside the shop, I picked up a bottle of diet coke. Now for those that don't know for sometime there has been some sort of marketing campaign on the bottles where names are printed on the label underneath the words 'share a diet coke with ....' It wasn't until I got to the gardens that I bothered to look to see if there was a name on the bottle I had purchased. As it turns out there was.

It was Danielle.

Which presented me with a moral problem.

Knowing the name should I have then gone round all the women in that audience to see if any of them went by that said name. And if so, would they like to share a bottle of diet coke? Would I then risk the unwanted and potentially violent attention of any partners they might have been with that evening? If no Danielle was present do I then broaden my horizons, abandon the showing of Casablanca and go into the Chester night in search of this mysterious lady?

So there, my dear readers, was the problem. In the end I came up with own answer.

I thought 'sod it, she can get her own' and settled down in my seat.

ta ta for now.

The Play's The Thi- Oh bugger

Well hello my lovely little readers,

Now I'm sure if you read last week's musings (and if you didn't, where the hell were you?) that you would be waiting patiently me for to regale you with tales of theatrical success.

But it didn't happen.

This time.

The course of events went something like this:
Thursday lunch time I received a message on fb saying that one of the actors now was unable to make the Saturday. As we only had three in the first place this was a tiny little problem. Becky, who did a wonderful job organising everything, was trying to work around it and so would I be prepared to try my hand at acting one of the pieces. As I stared at the message on the computer screen two things went through my mind:
1: Oh shit! You have got to be f***ing kidding me. I can't act to save my life.

followed, a couple of minutes later, by:

2: Yeah, alright, go on then.

So then I was sent the script. It was a short monologue on one side of A4 sized paper. Though, given that I had two days to learn it, a couple of lines on a postcard would have been a challenge. I think at that point my thoughts were that 'Well, it might not be right good (my acting that is) but I'll give it a go.' Probably should point out that my thoughts rarely come with brackets but you get the point.

So that afternoon and early evening I sat about (work permitting) trying to learn this piece. And I started to get somewhere with it.

Then I went to play badminton which is a weekly bit of exercise.

Came back to another message. This time saying the two other actors didn't feel they could do the event justice with just the two of them having had a bit of rehearsal time so Becky had taken the difficult decision to postpone it for now.

So that is where we are now. It will be re-arranged for another time in the future. Wouldn't mind but not only had I managed to learn about half of the piece at that point but I was also practising saying 'Do you know who I am?' which I gather is a phrase all famous people have to use (because obviously this is just the start of my rise to stardom and my inevitable appointment as the new Doctor after Peter Capaldi.)

Naturally everyone is disappointed that we had to cancel at such a late hour but, my dear readers, we shall overcome and we shall prevail.

Watch this space.

Ta ta for now

Prisoner 1174 - a piece of flash fiction

Hello  my little reader friends,

Well, as you know, occasionally I like to put a little story on here to entertain you all even more than I normally do. I  know, I know, I really spoil you don't I?!

Well today I'm going to do it again. Now the thing is, its a piece of flash fiction. And more importantly the time time table for its construction went something like this:

6:30pm Friday (yesterday): Get random word from random word generator web-page thingy. The word was 'crown'.

8:30pm Friday (yesterday): Post finished story on fb critique group page.

Yes, my dear reader, what you are about to read took me all of two hours to write. It has not been altered, changed or edited since I put it on fb last night. So its rough.

Actually that gives me an idea... Maybe I should put the various drafts (if I ever do any)  of this piece on here.... hmmm.

Anyway here it is. You can comment if you like. You don't have to though

-----
Prisoner 1174’s eyes opened. He must have dozed off for a moment he realised. He tried to move his head forward before remembering the metal restraint around his neck. He wondered how long he had slept for. He was surprised that he slept at all; the space was hardly built for comfort. But then, why would it be? On a prison transport, he was being transferred to the penal colony on his world’s largest moon where he would spend the rest of his life digging in the mines for the rare ore that kept his planet’s defensive systems working. And how they needed it. The war had been going on for ten years with both sides’ resources being heavily depleted. A truce had been announced some eighteen months earlier when both sides had finally realised that a total victory would not be worth the cost it would take to achieve. Since then, a heightened cold war had been in place between the two neighbouring planets with each watching the other with eagle eyed sharpness. Just waiting for the other to blink first. To make the first aggressive act. To be the first to push the button and annihilate both civilisations.
He remembered the details of how he had been caught and he winced as he remembered the beating that caused him to eventually confess. He’d been set up by his brother in a petty act of spite and it had been made to look like he had killed his sister in law. Evidence had been planted his bedroom, reports fabricated with officials being paid off or made to ‘disappear’. All quick and easy. His head bowed as the fatigue caught up with him. Guess he hadn’t been asleep for too long after all. But then, when had he last slept properly? Two, three days? He remembered that time. Warm and comfortable in his own bed. Would he see that bed again?
The sound of boots on the metal floor alerted his to the presence of the guards. The clang of walkway as the heavy footed officer stomped his way down through the middle of the room. The walkway was raised so the guards could see all the prisoners. And give them a swift kick to the head if any got too mouthy.
“So scum, you’ll be pleased to hear we are about half way there”, the guard called out, his voice cold with malice. “Then you can be off this ship and be working for the good of the new king.”
“Fuck the king.” Said a voice in the crowd. Prisoner 1174 allowed himself the briefest of grins. The guard moved towards the prisoner who had spoken.
“Oh dear, oh dear, do we have a dissident in our ranks?” He asked. Another guard tutted and shook his head, a broad smile appearing on his face. “You should know the rules on this ship,” he continued, “you can only speak when you are permitted to do so. And then, insulting our new king is also strictly prohibited. I’m afraid the punishment is very clear”
The guard produced a small thin black rod from a compartment in the nearby wall. Pressing a button the rod extended to fifty centimetres in length. Another button was pressed and the tip began to glow a bright red. Prisoner 1174 closed his eyes as the red tip was pressed against the second mans chest, the smell of burnt flesh filling the air, the screams filling his mind. Eventually the cries were reduced to slight and muffle sob and the guard replaced the correction device back in the wall unit.
“Now”, the guard continued, “Let that be a lesson to you all. Shortly you will be briefed on what will happen when we arrive at the penal colony. But now, you’ll be pleased to hear, the king is about to make a live broadcast to his people. Rumour has it that it will be a rather special announcement.”
The lights dimmed as a view screen slid silently from the ceiling behind the guard and the smiling face of the world’s ruler appeared. Prisoner 1174 clenched his fist. The rest of the room knew him as the king. Prisoner 1174 knew him as his brother.

The play's the thing

Well hello my lovely reader friends, and welcome to my little part of the insanity that is known as the 'interweb thingy'.

*looks off camera*
What?
*another look off camera*
Sorry, the internet.

So what's been happening I hear you cry. Well, like it or not, I'm going to tell you.

Since I last imparted my little jewels of wisdom down to you I've been to see a couple of plays at the Grosvenor Park Open Air Theatre in Chester. Each time on a Saturday evening. I know, my little reader friends, not the forefront of what is hot as you would normally expect from me (being as I am, down wiv da kidz). But highly enjoyable none the less.

For the record, and in case anyone out there cares, they were 'Cyrano De Bergerac' and 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'.

Now, both were brilliant, but, if I had to choose one of the two, I would have to say that I preferred Cyrano. I don't know why. Guess it's just one of those things when one play has more of an impact than another. But both times I was sat there, in the covered terraces section (a choice that would prove to be a smart move during Midsummer when it was absolutely chucking it down durng the second half), watching the marvellous acting and wonderful script that was in front of me. I plan to do more in the coming years so long may the Grosvenor Park Open Air Theatre continue. Beats being inside watching tele all night or down in some loud, hot and sweaty night club in my opinion anyway. Which is probably why I ended up going on my own.

But the big news is that next week it's my turn to have their words spoken by actors.

Because I, along with four other writers are having their micro plays performed in a little room in a little building in Chester. Its a small start. But an exciting one and I'm glad to be a part of it. And who knows, as I think I've said before, from small acorns....

Ta ta for now.

Sun tan - check, photos - check, happy memories - check.. Bugger, I'm back (Part 2)

Well hello again my dear readers,

So, now, where were we?

Ah yes, thats right, the first night. As you read last time, the Manchester flight got to Zante earlier than either the Bristol or Gatwick flights.

Right for this one I'm going to break the holiday down into a few categories. Mainly so this thing doesn't go forever and bore the arse of everyone. So lets start with:

The People

The group consisted of fifteen people in total. As I said, five were on the Manchester flight and I had a bit of a chat with them going from the airport to the hotel. That left ten who joined us throughout the evening. And I can say that they were all wonderful splendid people to be in holiday with.

Bar one.

Yes, there is always one isn't there dear reader.

The thing is, when you're on a solos holiday then you ain't going to know anything about the others in the group. And it is up to you to go and find out. You're in the same boat as everyone else and, unless you want to be back in your room by about ten in the evening you going to have to make a bit of an effort. There are even, if you think about it, a series of questions to get you started.

What's your name?
Where are you from?
What do you do?
Are you here for one week or two?
Have you been on a solo's holiday before? Which ones?

Get through that little lot and generally, as if by magic, you get to know the people. So thats how we all started out.

Bar one....

who made no effort what so ever. I don't know why, my little reader friends. Maybe he had something better to do. Not that the rest of us minded. We all just got on with it. His loss, not ours.

Food and Drink

The food in the hotel was basic. Like the rest of the hotel really. To be fair to them, there isn't alot they can really do about it though. It can't be easy coming up with a range of dishes that will be ok for multiple nationalities staying in their rooms that week. But what they had was ok. There was always the option of going to one of the nearby restaurants anyway. Which we did a couple of times during the week. The food at which was rather lovely. Though remind me not to have the garlic prawns. Well not without a bib or something first.

The drinks were great though. A pint of Mythos (really nice greek lager) was a very reasonable 2.50 euros. For some reason best known to the greeks a half pint was 2.30 euros. No, I don't know why either. Could possibly explain why the greek economy is knackered though. Either way, I might have drank a fair bit of it during the course of the week.

Also, at the pub which kind of became the group 'local', on a couple of nights shots were produced. Now, normally I don't like these things, but this one was different. Buggered if I can remember what it was called or what was in it but suffice to say, my dear readers, it was a bit good.

The hotel

As I have just said the hotel rooms were basic. But what else do you need? The bathroom was clean and the shower worked. The bed was comfortable and I had a great view. I've no idea if the tele in the room even worked let alone what channels it had on. But then who goes on holiday to a beautiful greek island and stays in the room and with the tv on.

The staff were polite and friendly even letting us take over the bar music system if we were the only ones in.

One rather curious thing was all the weddings that took place there. Now, my dear reader, I'm very much a stranger when it comes to getting married but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to get hitched when there are a load of people sunbathing on the beach next to you. Still, it provide a moment of amusement when one day, with a fair few of the group down on the beach, a horse and cart came trotting over the sand and passed right by us with the bride and groom who, rather than enjoying their happy moment, were hanging on for dear life in the posh seats in the rather elegant cart and looking very uncomfortable.

----


So there you have it. I could go a bit more but to go into too much detail would be to take away some of the magic of what was a wonderful week.

But wait, I hear you cry....

Col, what we really want to know is....

Did you find your 'impossible' girl with whom you were going to go more exciting adventures through time and space?

Well, my dear reader friends, the answer to that is no.

I don't think.

But you never know. We have said that we'll keep in touch so maybe fate is taking a rather scenic route with me.

ta ta for now